Good Sex with Emily Jamea: Vacation Sex

Emily Jamea, Ph.D., is an award-winning sex and couples therapist and author of the USA Today best-selling book, Anatomy of Desire: Five Secrets to Create Connection and Cultivate Passion. You can find her here each month to share her latest thoughts about sex.

My client Cara couldn’t stop smiling as she settled into my office. She and her husband had just returned from a long weekend at the beach.

“It was amazing,” she beamed. “We had sex almost every day. And not just quickies … it was connected, playful and hot.”

This wasn’t typical for Cara and Jake, who’d been together for 22 years. Perimenopause has taken a huge toll on Cara, who’d always had a relatively positive relationship with her body and sexuality. The mood swings, weight gain and insomnia she’d struggled to manage over the past five years had created a major disconnect between her and Jake. She’d worked tirelessly with her doctor to find the right balance of hormones, but their sex life was lagging even though her physical symptoms had improved.

Cara and Jake came to see me in a state of despair, losing hope that they would ever regain the connection they once had. I’d given them several tools, but there always seemed to be something – work, one of the kids, a medical issue with an aging parent, that prevented them from applying what they’d learned. And so, as I usually do with clients in this situation, I suggested a weekend getaway – an opportunity for uninterrupted time to focus on reconnecting.

I was pleased to hear that it worked! But as quickly as her enthusiasm to recount the spicy details appeared, I saw it fade, replaced with concern.

“I don’t want to have to go to on vacation in order to have great sex with Jake. Help me understand why vacation sex feels so different and — more importantly — how we can recreate that feeling after we get home.”

She’s not alone in this longing to bottle the vacation sex feeling. Time and again, clients tell me they feel more sexually alive on vacation. Studies show that breaks from routine, reduced stress and increased novelty – core features of travel – can help boost desire and intimacy, even in the weeks following travel. One study even found that couples who vacation together report higher levels of satisfaction in their relationships and sex lives.

iStock.com/EyeEm Mobile GmbH

So, what is it about vacation that makes us want to jump into bed so eagerly?

1. You finally exhale. We live in a culture of chronic stress. Cortisol, the stress hormone, suppresses sexual desire and arousal. On vacation, the email autoresponder is on, the laundry isn’t looming, and your nervous system can finally relax. This shift from fight or flight to rest and digest (and, yes — arouse and orgasm) mode is essential for sexual pleasure.

Read: The Science Behind Orgasms: What’s Going on When You’re Getting It On >>

2. You’re more present. When we’re not distracted by to-do lists, it’s easier to be in the moment with our partner. Sensuality thrives on presence. You’re more likely to notice how the sun glints off your partner’s skin or how your bodies move together in the surf, and that level of attunement creates desire.

3. There’s novelty and play. Vacations invite us to explore — new foods, new places and new sides of ourselves. Self-expansion theory suggests that people are motivated to grow their sense of self by including others in their identity — particularly through novel, challenging and exciting experiences. In relationships, this means that engaging in new or stimulating activities with a partner can help each person feel more connected and alive, which in turn fosters intimacy and desire. When couples experience something novel together — like traveling, trying a new hobby or experimenting in the bedroom — it activates the brain’s reward system and can reignite passion by breaking up routine and allowing partners to “rediscover” each other in fresh ways.

But let’s face it — most of us can’t be on vacation all the time. So how do you bring the magic of vacation sex home?

iStock.com/PeopleImages

Here’s what I told Cara and what I tell all my clients craving more passion in their everyday lives.

“First of all, you know it’s still in there,” I told her. “You were concerned you’d never get your desire back, but it woke up! That’s a big win. Now we have to think critically about what worked and discuss how to apply the same principles at home.”

1. Prioritize intimacy. There will always be someone or something trying to pull your attention away. This plan will only work if you set aside sacred, untouchable time every week. You don’t have to have full-on sex each week, but having about half an hour to connect physically and emotionally without interruption will help keep the energy from dying out completely.

2. Encourage bad behavior. Cara looked at me skeptically. I explained. You and Jake are burdened by a lot of heavy adult responsibilities. See what happens when you play hooky from work and go out for margaritas, reminiscent of afternoons on vacation. Sneak into a local five-star hotel and make use of the pool. Little things like this aren’t really that “bad,” but can go a long way in making you feel playful, which will help boost desire.

3. Play with your plans. Just because you plan when you have sex, doesn’t mean you have to plan how you do it. There’s still plenty of room for spontaneity in the types of things you explore in the time you’ve strategically set aside. And remember to use this time to explore touch, playfulness or massage with no goal beyond connection. When sex becomes one more routine item on a checklist, the spark fizzles.

4. Make a transition. On vacation, there’s time to unwind before bed. At home, try creating a “buffer zone” between your workday and couple time — a walk, a shower, a shared glass of wine. These rituals can help your body shift gears and prime you for intimacy.

5. Take your time. This is probably one of the most important tools. Vacation sex isn’t rushed, but sex at home … that’s another story for most folks. It takes an average of 12-15 minutes to get into a focused state. Most people don’t have sex that long. And a lot of people worry that if they don’t feel focused right away, they simply won’t. Give your body the time it needs to relax and your mind the time it needs to quiet down. Pleasure will follow.

I reminded Cara and Jake that vacation sex wasn’t about the beach. It was about their mindset of presence, play and prioritizing pleasure. Armed with a new perspective and a refreshed purpose, Cara and Jake left my office that day with a smile not just of nostalgia, but of possibility.

In the weeks that followed, they didn’t hop a flight to Cabo, but they did make meaningful changes. They began “Sensual Sundays,” where phones went off, chores were ignored and they treated the day like a mini escape. One week it was brunch and day drinks. Another it was a shared bath and lazy afternoon in bed. With intention, creativity and play, they rekindled a connection they feared was lost.